2005-11-30 - 1:40 p.m.
Yesterday was of course another school day, and i was feeling so great about everything that i felt like walking. So i parked at the depot and hoofed it to school, did that whole thing and hoofed it on back. I have an art project that i have to do, which is fine because i can finally do the art project that i have been wanting to do for awhile. So i wanted to ask greg if he would be a part of it, as in if i could get him half naked so i could make a cast of his torso. He is the epitome of male stature which is very alluring and so different for me. Maybe that is why it is alluring. So i went to the depot to buy some fix-it-all (a plaster like substance) to fill the cast and make a mold. I was trying to get in and out of there undetected, but of course just as i enter throught the looming doors, he was standing right there, damn. I told him that i was trying not to get caught by him, but since i did i asked him if he would do it. He said yes, but i'm not sure he's really feeling it lol. Anyway he mentioned he was about to get off of work, so i asked him what he was doing for the evening and we ended up making plans to go out after finished runnning some errands. I called him, and we went to eat at a not so great italian place. Afterward, we drove for awhile and went to old sac. It was soooo cold, he gave me his jacket, and i'm sure he was then freezing, so we went back to the car, but before that we stopped and exchanged a few miraculous kisses. We ended up heading to his house to fetch a flick and back here. We spent the rest of the evening graduating our intamacy level from PG to R. It was different and slightly frightening for me. I say this only because he became so involved and determined to please me, there was almost no stopping him. It was almost violent... He is so much bigger than i am, and is unlike other fellas i've dated because he needs to be in control. He kept referring to his southern upbringing and how he didn't matter, only me. And i'm really not cool with that. I tried to tell him that this is not my style that he is half of this whole situation. I certainly had mine, and he just kept going, but not for his own sake, for mine. I faked another, but there was still no stopping him. I finally told him to stop, i couldn't handle that much. He wanted to go down on me, i'm pretty sure. Oh how do i tell him that i am not a fan without hurting his feelings. He was telling me that he got his tounge pierced on three seperate occasions. For that reason. When i told him that i couldn't handle that much and to stop, it looked like someone had just run over his puppy. i put my hand on him, and he more or less brushed me away, saying that i was cheating. I told him i just wanted to return the favor. He told me no, that he "respected me too much". What the hell does that mean? I told him i'd never understand him. I had a feeling of despair at that moment. I think he thought i was trying to sleep with him and he kept turning me down, but i wasn't trying to so ??? I don't think he realizes his own strength, he gives some of the best hugs, but almost injured my ribs with the extra umph that comes with the end of a great hug. He bit the back of my arm and now i had two small bruises there AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! How do i tell him to be more gentle? Before all of this began we were sitting and i was stroking his face, he just kept saying that i was pampering him. No, no i wasn't. i was just being affectionate. I think he wants a give/take relationship, he gives, and i take. As great as that should be, it's not for me. I told him that if sex happened then we have entered the realm of couple-dom. He made a joke about his trust issues, something to the nature of "well i don't know how well that will work with my trust issues" I just looked at him and replied, it will work as well as you want it to. He told me he was just joking, and that he knew he could trust me because of the way i kiss, with my heart and soul in each one. After he ravaged me (which i was ok with) he had to leave, and i felt really bad about that, almost like i had just been used, but i hadn't. He said that he needed his space and i needed mine, which totally caught me off gaurd, i told him yesterday that i felt each part should have their own space... so i just agreed and let him go. He offered to stay until i fell asleep, and then would leave, i told him it was ok, i'd be fine. And i was... he left and i was left feeling really confused. I stood in the dark at the window and watched him leave. I slept fine, didn't wake up once in the night, which was good. I know he was trying to leave earlier, he put it back on me though which was really strange. He looked at me and said, oh, look how tired you are. I really wasn't feeling that tired.
The whole event left me feeling like i was a southern woman that had released all power to the man and just agreed with the way things were going. I had never Ever felt like that before. It was beautiful and horrifying at the same time. It's the only way that i can express it, i had a vision of living in some bayou and standing in a freshly pressed dress, alla 1950's being introduced as Mrs. Greg Carlisle. It was comforting, like that's how it's supposed to be, but i've never been like that, and i can't say for sure if during all my suzie home-maker days if i wanted it to be like that.
Throughout the night, he jsut kept making sure i was perfect. It was the oddest thing, he offered to get me water in my own house. He had never been here before, and didn't konw where anything was. He desperately wanted to rub my feet; even when we were making out, he kept fixing the blanket during breaths of air because 20 minutes early i had mentioned i was cold. This is SOOOO new. I thought i had dated every type of guy out there. But this is something i have never experienced before. I have no idea what he truly wants, which scares me.
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