2005-12-03 - 10:54 p.m.
I saw Greg today, as it was my day off. We had originally planned to go to the Crocker Art Museum, however, he misplaced his wallet so apparently, one cannot visit a museum without the proper identification, so he had a plan B. This is the second of thrid time he has announced his readiness in case of failure of plan a. Which is so wonderfully sound of him. Bravo, you could have been a proper eagle scout.
Anyway, we went to his house first to check out the missing wallet situation. I peered into his room as he was diligently searching, went in and sat down. Looking around, i see a picture of a young girl, she's cute. I'm thinking niece? But wait that can't be right, he's an only child. SO i ask, who's Tempra-Sage? My daughter. GASP. He said it so abruptly that i was just sure he was joking. He had to be, i was sure of it. He continued on, I'm 28, you can't expect that i don't have any baggage. Not that she is baggage.
Oh my god, he's not joking. He has a past. No no no, this isn't happening. He asked if he had scared me away yet. Yes, yes you have. Wait, maybe not totally. But seriously uneasy about you existing before i met you. So my mind is racing. She is 9, that means she was born when he was still a baby at a whopping 19. And wait what, he is telling me that her mom wasn't ready to be a mom, so Tempra-Sage lived with him until she was 7. She has been with Mom in Texas for the last two years. And the plan is that around Dec next year, Tempra will be living with him again. What the hell am i getting myself into.
He tried to put it to me that of course that's a long time away and we aren't even serious... true. But doesn't settle my thoughts. Am i okay with dating someone with a child, not even a child, a young adult. Of course i want kids... in the future. Now the grocery list of things i cannot possibly ask him this early into it.
Would she accept me in his life
Could we live together with a 10 year old
What happens when she becomes a teen
I can't act like a mother to her, what am i
Do i pick her up from school
What does that make us when we have to hire a babysitter to go out
What if her mother hates the idea of another woman (woman? me?) being around and influencing her daughter
Do you want more children
How would Tempra react if i had a baby with her dad
Did i really just ask myself that question?
Am i ready to take on this HUGE situation
He did it; he did it at 19. That's crazy! And here is the kicker, that is so noble, i can't help but like him more. So we continued on our date. (what am i doing, stop now) So we were off and went to old town and walked around a bit. Easy, simple good. And we drove for a bit, he showed me a large church, and i asked if we could go it. Of course he oblidged. I didn't catch on fire when i crossed the threshold as i had envisioned, and actually i didn't have any type of reaction. It used to make my heart flutter when i went into a church. That's what happened to Greg. I don't know what that means for either of us. There was replica statue of Pieta by Michelangelo which was really thrilling for me. So i told Greg what i knew about it. We left and went driving, he showed me the ritzy houses of the Fab forties and i talked to him about architecture and Frank Lloyd Wright. He told me i was amazing. Because i knew so much about these things. I remember feeling exactly the same way about William, which is really horrifying for me. It's nice to learn from others, but i don't want that to be the reason that he keeps me around. He also likes that i'm artistic. Here's the thing, i'm not really, i jsut happen to be taking a course that requires so much of me artistically. I don't want to give him a false impression. And what happens when my cup of knowledge runs dry? Yar.
He took me to campus and showed my the arbortuim (sp) and the tree stump cut like a chair and ottoman. It was pretty nifty. I thought it was funny when he refused to tell me that he was cold, but kept saying that i must be freezing. Yeah, i got that one figured out. So i called him on it and then told him for his benefit that i was cold and we should go. We came back here and i made spaghetti squash, he watched, interested on how to make it, so he could do it later. I remember doing that with William too. We ate, and he was supposed to leave an hour later, but ended up staying to two hours as he explored some physical chemistry happening between us. I explained to him as he said today was about me, that making him happy would make me happy. He looked shocked, dumbfounded almost, as if that were never said to him. I wonder if it ever was. He accepted that, and let me go to town. I felt a lot better about that, finally a little give and take. Wahoo! I suppose that the look was of amazement, that that was a option in life. He has always been under the impression that he is second to his lady. Not in my book anyway. He was supposed to come back tonight after work and i could cast him for my project, but he ended up having to go save a friend who was arrested? for a DUI. Or at least save the car. The same friend that he is to help move tomorrow to sac. So whatever. We rain-checked for tomorrow after i get off work. Which is fine.
Maybe i should move to fresno.
The nights are getting really cold here. I'm not ready to be a mom to someone elses 9 year old. Oh lord, please what on earth am i to do?
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