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2005-12-30 - 11:36 p.m.

I do love Greg.
Which is wonderful and awful. When he told me he has a child that was supposed to be it. Over right there, but no, for some reason i just kept seeing him. He is amazing, unlike anyone i have EVER been with before. I'm still quite rattled about the whole marriage thing. His comment has actually altered my life. I truely will never be the same. I have been thinking about it since it happened. What's stopping me from getting married? People do it all the time. I really have no idea where i'm going, or why i keep running. Why am i convinced that i can't be happy unless i have a considerable amount of money? People who make a lot less than i do, do very well in their standard of living. They live on less than i make, and why is it that i am scraping by? I feel like i definitly need to reevaluate. Further more i just got a letter from Nick Lind telling me that his soon to be rocket scientist sister is 5 1/2 months pregnant. OMG. This equally rattled me. How could that happen? She was so shy and dedicated to school, not really interested in boys. She had a man boyfriend, he wanted to take care of her. It had to be an accident, i mean HAD to. I didn't realize it until now but she was the epitome for me of what my mother wants from me and what i more or less aspired to. However, i realize that i will never be a rocket scientist, but that i would go forward with great diligence and i feel like i could see my mother lecturing her about screwing up her life. But really maybe it's not that bad. Not to say that i desire to be with child anytime soon, but i think if it happened to me, i would be okay with it... and for the first time in my life i didn't immediately know that i wouldn't keep it. What a strange and beautiful feeling.
I had a dream the other day that i had a baby and that i was breast-feeding it. It was awkward because it was new, yet at the same time it was totally natural. But i'm not ready for that ...yet.
Anyway Greg is quite taken with me and it's magical. I feel like he does so much for me. Really he does spoil me, and for that i feel like a troll because i can't/am not reciprocating in the best way possible, whatever that way is. Maybe it's just not enough.
Chrissy came into town yesterday and i brought her to the depot to meet him. She didn't say much at first other than he was different than other fellas i've seen in the past. She ened up staying longer than she had thought so that she could be available to meet a girl for coffee who ended up standing her up. She came back here and Greg took us both out to dinner. He even dropped us off at the door while he parked because it was raining.
I told him the other day that i was in love with him. He told me that i was saying all the things that made boys run away. I told him i knew, he didn't say it back, but he kind of let it slip in conversation today as he called me today at work and described a sexual encounter he was imagining for us upon his return on the second. Oh, yes. He will not be available for lip-locking on the stroke of midnight this year. Chrissy thinks i should party with her in Chico, i might go. Nick lind wants me to hang with him. But i can't becase there is too much sexual tension that don't want to do anything about because of Greg.
Lol, i got off the phone with him just a bit ago, i asked how his love life was going. Jokingly he said he gave up, and that he was saving himself for me. Funny. Sweet. But it will never be. At least not with Greg around. I am shuttering at the thought that Greg could be kissing someone else tomorrow night, it actually is cracking my heart, and it hurts. I want to know, but i really don't.
I love Greg. Dammit.

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