2005-12-25 - 11:44 p.m.
Merry Christmas... not too much exciting, rather lots of little things that were exhausting. Overall it was mildly amusing and good to be around my family. Even this year John's was really casual and didn't leave me with a taste of vomit in the back of my throat. So since i have to work tomorrow at 8 i really should be going to bed, but cie la vie, i have to tell you about what happened to me two days ago. I've kind of been back and forth on this whole greg thing on account that this is the first actual man that i've dated (as opposed to fellas that are experiencing their first life as a man) so he acts like a man, for example doesn't always return my phone calls, doesn't just pop over to my house or call spontaneously. Strange, i know. So the first time he didn't call for three days or return two phone calls, i over-reacted (as women do) and was sure that it was over. The only reasonable explaination that i could come up with for him not calling was that he was a POW of the french army. I mean, what other reason could there possibly be? It was that or he was trying to be sly about calling our "dating" quits. So i spontaneously pop over at his house after i see him at work and wake him up from his nap (terrible, i'll burn in hell for that i know) anyway i asked him if he was a recent escape-y of the french army.
No, huh? Well then are we kosher?
Yep.
Oh. Huh. Really? Ok then.
And that was it. We were ok, and the panic was over. So anyway we hang out and i don't recall if this is the same day but i'll fast forward to some of the next events. He tries to establish that we are not dating, merely "hanging out". I informed him that i don't make-out with the people i hang out with. And he bought me a drink, dinner-- those were dates. That was conversation more or less died there. Except for that he tells me he doesn't want a commitment. That's fine with me (i think). We'll get to that eventually i guess.
Well the action that prays for that happens on a faux-date shortly there after. He calls me drunk, ok i go over there, i knew i shouldn't have but again... So anyway, he wants sex. Now, we hadn't done that yet, we've been dancing with eachother around the subject/action. So i tell him that he has to come with me to my house and it'll happen. He has some big issue with that because apparently if he stays at my house then it's a big deal, but my staying at his house (which had happened a week or so earlier) was not. I don't get it, so i tell him it's not and essentially it takes me an hour to convince him that he should come to my house. He is sooooo reluctant. Anyway it was about 3 hours after i initially went over that we left, went and got him a burger and headed to the apartment. I convinced him to take a shower with me (oh deja vu right there) which he says he's never done. Ok. I don't know what to believe or not. I suppose i believe this. Anyway, it was good. We head to the bedroom and lay down, he gets on top of me and asks me if i'm sure, because he's only been with two other women. (i suppose i believe this? Maybe) So i tell him that i would be honored to be the next. I don't tell him my past story. He doesn't want to know, and that's fine by me. Anyway that was some glorious sex. I got on top of him and had a real orgasam, the ones that make me shake and want to cry i am so overcome with emotion. I totally forgot about those, they've only happend once or twice before. Excellent. So i seriously owe him one. Somehow we end up having anal sex, more like he is sticking it to me and i'm taking it. Now, i'm not really a fan and was very aware of my ass the entire next day. But he loved it, so moving on. We sleep, he snores HARD CORE. not kosher. Ah well. so maybe we hung out again for a short period of time at his house, more sex, orgasam? i don't remember. So i don't hear from him for another three days. I'm standing in the shower thinking about the whole situation, i like him just fine but come to the conclusion that i can't really read him, but i can enough to figure that he's just "not THAT into me" and to perchance not get too attatched, or to just move on. So i see him at work and he asks if i want to go do some x-mas shopping with him afterwards. Sure. All he could say the entire time we were out was how much he missed me and just kept kissing me etc. WHAT IS GOING ON?!? WTF, MATE?
So we finish there and meet at his house, i get a drink because the roomates are home and drinking, but they have company so i don't want to intrude on their thing, so i head to hang with Greg while he wraps the gifts. Greg left for a while and during that time i hear some serious yelling coming from Robert roomate. Apparently i'm unsocial and have a stick up my ass. They don't like me. OMG. I wanted to die right there as greg asks me to have a cigarette with the roomates and try to solve the problem. No, no no that wasn't awkward AT ALL. But i smoked, drank and laughed at their crazy antics. Maybe it's better. I couldn't get a clear anwser out of greg. Anyway we all made it back into the house and Robert is talking to Greg and i in the kitchen. he's kind of in and out so greg and i are talking and he tells me that he's feeling more for me than he should? do i dare ask, i know what he means. This one was written all over his face. Dammit i ask. He loves me. I think i love him? I have moments that i do, but honestly i'm not there yet, and i know it. I lie, save face for him and tell him that i think i'm in love with him. Robert comes back and is telling me that he just asked Jessica roomate her folks for her hand. Congrats. Greg starts whispering into my ear. Trying to listen to both. Smiling and nodding and drinking. Greg standing behind me whispers in my ear:
You know what i think?
(waits-- as i am pretending to listen to Robert)
I think we should go to Tahoe and get married.
!!!!!!???????!!!!!
He was being serious. Robert finishes his story and leaves. I look at Greg: (summed up version)
So what do you think?
I can't marry you... yet. What, no. I need time. (Jokingly) gimme a month
A month? Ok. Today is the 23rd.
No no no. I can't marry you. no no no. I need time. Wait, you won't even say that we are dating and now you want to marry me? i don't get it.
You're everything i want. You complete me. (it really was like a movie)
ramble ramble from the both of us:
I don't want to loose you
I'm not going anywhere
But i'm going to do something to mess this up. -- then he says something about getting me knocked up so i don't leave
-- I told him that my becoming pregnant doesn't mean i'm staying anywhere. I tell him no again and the conversation kind of dies off as he tries to save face saying that it's all hypothetical and chokes back some tears. All i could do was hug him and be confused. He asked if i would stay the night. Ok. So i did. More sex and during the sex, he brings marriage back up. He didn't understand. We were sleeping together, i let him ass fuck me, but i wouldn't marry him. (OMG. i'm such a loser as i'm thinking that sex is just sex. There isn't more to it. Isn't that awful?) He said to me "all you have to do is say 'I do'", just walk down the aisle with me.
He fell asleep, LONG before i did. And he snored, but i was more kept awake by the whole events of the evening. It's shattered me a bit, i've never been proposed to. And he was soooo serious. Ready to hop in the car and head to tahoe and get hitched. I wanted to say that i don't even know him, but that doesn't sort well with the whole sex thing, then i'd really feel like a troll. I think perchance he's got wedding fever because of Robert and Jessica as well as he's feeling his age. He even asked me if i would have kids with him. I told him yes. Relieved --that didn't help my side of the argument. Anyway we parted ways the next morning and as he was talking about me freudian slip he called me his girlfriend and sort of correct himself. He went to tahoe with his roomates and some other people. I wonder if he got married anyway? ?? Anyway, i think i'll see him tomorrow. He was pretty set on it.
Because of this, i have really been thinking about it, marriage, yikes. What do i want? what is important to me? about the fellas that have made an impact on my life, and those that have not. what sequence should be happening, am i old enough to be married? I'm too stupid, but smart enough to question it (age/experience)what about kids? And Tempra-Sage? There are things i need to accomplish before all of this happens. School, house etc. What do i want out of life, yeah to raise kids-- am i really ready to be suzie homemaker? I really need to meditate on this. I could marry Greg.
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