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2005-11-25 - 9:43 p.m.

Ah thanksgiving, a time for family interaction... too much for me to handle. Michael made a de-boned turkey which turned out like a turkey loaf, it was good but i feel like i missed out on a real turkey. Maybe i'll make one, but i doubt it. Stringbean just climbed up on my desk. She's trying to play it off like she just wants to hang out, when in reality she knew i was eating chocolate and wants some-- she keeps sniffing me lol. Arg, she just found it, new hiding spot, that will keep her busy for a little bit.
So i was in Chico and with Amber, we went to victoria's secret and i was measured, and lo-and-behold i fit into a real bra now. 34B, when the girl told me i thought, you have got to be kidding me. I had so far displaced the idea that i would ever fit into a real bra that it just seemed unrealistic, but it was true, not to mention about the best day of my life.
This morning i slept in, and woke up to realize it was raining. Of course, i washed my car yesterday. After i got over that i reveled in my alone-ness and how wonderful it is. I went grocery shopping for the first time in Sacramento with only myself to buy for. It was amazing, i bought only the things i wanted and loved. And it was considerably less expensive. At the end of it, i came out with mostly vegtables and fruit with a sprinkling of chicken and bread, it was heaven. I came home and made spagetti (sp) squash and my own lite tomato sauce. It was so amazing that i even called my mother to tell her about it. I felt so good doing that for myself. Everyone says you have to do things for yourself, and i thought i had been, but that was truly for me. I made it because i wanted to, without any thought as to someone else and their desires. It was something i haven't experienced since i moved here. So i reveled in my alone-ness some more. Do i even want to get into another relationship? Not really, but then again, i think about Gregg so much these days. I was hoping to catch him at work today before he went home, no luck. I think he will have the next two days off, but i'm not sure. I wish he would ask me out, but on the other hand, i'm glad that he hasn't. Apparently, i have no idea what i want. Actually, that's not true, i want to embrace him, that's what i want. While i was at the Home Depot today, i went to get another associate who was helping a customer. I told him there was another individual waiting for him and as i turned to walk away the customer how had to be about 25 exclaimed loudly "she's hot!" i just kept walking. There's nothing like the feeling as if you're in a construction zone in a shortskirt at work. The customer wanted me to hear him, and what, retort with my own generic exclaimation of his beauty, with which i did not find anything spectacular. Anyway he found me later and sort of redeemed himself with:
you know, you are gorgeous
Thanks. The orange apron doesn't do much for me.
No, really you are.
Well thank you. *Slight bow and exit stage left.
It left me with a feeling of confused "ickyness". Upon thinking about it, i have come to the conclusion that there is nothing unique about me, i am just a "type". Somebodys type. This sort of shakes the core of my being. Growing up being told that you're special and unique, which i've always know to be a crock of shit because there is a whole other person out there that shares my DNA. But, now i'm in this generalization of some-subculture. I suppose that was epitomized when a guy i was sleeping with asked me to keep my glasses on. It was a blow to my ego, and not in any pleasant headboard hitting-the-wall way. The request was the first time i realized my catagory. It's nice to know that there is a chunk of individuals out there that are seeking people like me. But it's not any characteristic of me more than my dark hair and rockin' specs.

Today as i made my rocking spaghetti squash, i came to grips with the idea that i love being alone. It occured to me that i will probably become a spinster and live with my many cats. And i was strangely comfortable with this idea. Which at 22 is slightly disheartening.

I had a conversation with Joel who works in appliances today. He asked me to define "saucy-ness," which i couldn't do in an effective way. He brought it up because the other day i told him i was feeling saucy, and he returned with something to the nature that at that particular occasion God was shining down upon me an iconic sense of grandure. Actually Joel would never say that, i snazzed it up a bit, but you get the idea. And it is my strong belief that the glory of feeling saucy cannot come from any outside source, and because it is motivated soley by the indivdual that attains it,it is epic. He went on further to explain to me his idea of "saucy": the renaissance ideal of beauty, a shapely woman who finds her beauty in her body. This was absolutely fascinating for me. His own comment has served to become the fourth or fifth fellow that has exclaimed their passions for shapely women. Which brings my question of, why are we getting mixed messages? Why does the media call for women to be thin? My only conclusion is that shapely women are directing the media and in a cruel fashion to thin down the competition because this isn't really what men want. For Shame. I have exposed your eeevil plan to the world, and thwarted your goals.
Am not thin. Will not diet.

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